31 Flavors of Dialogue

“Welcome to Baskin Robins! My name is Skip, and I'll be your scooper today. What can I get for you?”
Willy meandered up to the counter. “Hey Skip. I think I'll take... oh God!”
“Sir, are you having a heart attack? I've read about the effects of heart attacks on family members, is your family prepared for this?” Skip asked, a little nosily.
“I'm not having a heart attack, though with the clogging in my arteries I'm sure one is bound to be on it's way. No son, I'm having a different kind of attack today,” Willy wheezed.
“What kind?” Skip asked again, hoping to use this man as an example for a class he had later tonight.
“Have you ever felt so guilty about something that you start to feel your soul die?” Willy asked.
“No,” Skip answered. “Can't say I have...”
“Ok stop pressuring me! I admit it! I skipped Weight Watchers today so I could come here and get ice cream! I'm weak! Don't you think I realize that I'm morbidly obese? Of course I do! And I want to be skinny but I can't. I have no will power man! I've never been skinny. You know what they call me?” Willy asked, reaching his stride.
“No sir, um can I recommend some low-fat vanilla?” asked Skip timidly.
“Low-fat? See, I bet you don't ask him if he wants low-fat!” Willy gestured wildly at the scrawny teenager who just walked in. “Of course you don't! Because he's skinny and beautiful. When I was that age do you know what they called me? Free Willy! After a freakin' whale! I bet he has a cool name like Slim or Tree. Is that what they call you tough guy?”
The teenager just stared at Willy.
“Of course they do! You know what Skip? I'll take some frozen yogurt, to go! How 'bout that Slim? I'm taking my yogurt and running to weight watchers! Who's a fatty now, Slim? Who's a fatty now?”
With a maniacal laugh, Willy left the store.

“Um, hey. Welcome to Baskin Robbins, I'm Skip. What can I get for you?” Skip asked, an apologetic look on his face.
After much debate, the scrawny teenager came to a decision. “I'll take chocolate. It's dark. Dark like my soul.”
“Oh a student of Freud I see! You know, he did say that childhood experiences as well as the dark sexual desires of the unconscious stimulate our behavior,” Skip reeled off, sounding, as usual, as if he had just swallowed a textbook.
“I don't need your analysis. You don't understand me, nobody does! Except my lord, the dark prince,” the teenager said.
“What was that? I didn't catch that, sorry,” said Skip.
“You'll all be sorry one day...” muttered the boy.
That one Skip heard perfectly. “Ok kid, why don't you pay for your ice cream and take your little Ted Bundy wannabe butt out of my store and never come back again.”

The teenager left with his black soul ice cream, nearly knocking over a tall, pretty blond.
“Excuse you,” she murmured, watching him sprint down the street.
As she walked in, Skip wondered if this is what heaven was like. She was a complete babe. Her long, blonde hair seemed to glow as it caught the sunlight, and she had miles upon miles of legs, accentuated nicely by her white dress. As he checked her out, he couldn't help thinking that the guys would be so jealous if he showed up to the frat party tonight with her on his arm.
“Ma'am I am so sorry about that!” Skip finally managed, the fantasies in his mind evident by the drool on his face.
“No worries,” the blond said vaguely. “Daddy'll take care of him.”
“Daddy?” Skip asked, thinking she was a super star's daughter.
“Yes, he's quite famous,” the blond said, confirming Skip's suspicions.
“Oh perhaps I've heard of him!” Skip spat a little bit, as he often did when he was overly excited. “What's his name?”
The blond smiled. “Zeus. He's the God of basically everything. If you're nice to me I'll put in a good word for you,” she said, winking.
“Right...” said Skip, doubting her sanity.
“And what's your name?”
“I'm Parthenia, modern day goddess of all things beautiful. Just like me!”
“Well you are beautiful, can't argue with that,” Skip agreed. “However I don't know that you're actually sane...”
His remark sent Parthenia's eyes ablaze. “It doesn't do to anger Zeus by insulting his most beautiful daughter. A thousand curses on your house! You'll be sorry!”
Just at that moment, a lady with a long white lab coat walked in.
“Parthenia! Girl you know you're not supposed to leave the group. The administration'll tan my hide if they knew you got away from me again. Do you want to go back into the padded room?” she asked.
“Zeus would never allow it! As soon as I get back to Mt. Olympus, I'll...I'll...” Parthenia stuttered.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on Parthenia, back to the hospital.” The woman ushered Parthenia back out to the street, it was now crowded with what were clearly mental patients. Just before she left, she turned to Skip.
“Sorry to bother you young man,” she said. “I was just taking a smoke and she got outta my sight. She's harmless, really. Just suffers from-”
“Delusions!” Skip interrupted triumphantly. “Yes I've read about them. If you'd let me spend a few moments studying her-”
“Studying? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Don't think just because I've aged somewhat that I don't know what you young lads are thinking about! I can see it in your eyes you little sex hound!”
“No, you don't understand! That's not what I-”
“Boy you better not come near her again. She may be crazy, but we protect our own out there at the institution. I'll skin you alive if you try to take advantage of Parthenia!” She turned on her heels and stalked out.

Parthenia and her warden seemed to be Skip's last customers of the day. The next couple of hours passed very slow for Skip. Finally when the big clock on the wall reached 4:45, Skip decided to pack it in for the day. He took off his triangular hat and set it on the counter, thus beginning the closing ritual he'd long since perfected. After putting lids on the ice cream containers and putting the scoopers in a bucket of hot water to rinse, Skip again checked the clock. 4:52.“Might as well close early,” He said to himself. He started toward the door with the intent to flip the open sign when suddenly the door flung open and a man bounded in.
“Is there anyone behind me?” he asked, breathless.
“Um, no, not that I can see,” Skip began. “But listen man we're about to-”Skip stopped mid-sentence as the man turned around and revealed his face. The resemblance between him and Skip was uncanny.
“Look man,” the man said. “We've only got a few moments before the police come in! I need you to hide me quick!”
“What?” Skip asked, bewildered.
“Look man, they're after me! If they're not here already they will be any second! For the love of all things holy, hide me!”
“Ok,” Skip agreed. What a wonderful anecdote this would be for his psychology class! “Here, hide under the counter. That's it. So...What exactly did you do?”
“You see this light saber?” The man asked, gesturing to the stick he had stuck in the back of his pants.
“Yeah...”
“Well, I was waving it around time square and humming the Star Wars theme song really loud!”
“And...”
“And then I saw a donut monger! And I knew he was after me!”
“Donut monger?”
“Bluecoat! Swine! Popo!”
“Oh, the police! I gotcha. Wait, why would the police be after you?”
“Disturbing the peace!” The man said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I can't go to jail man, you don't know the psychological effects prison can have on you!”
“Well actually I do!” Skip assured him. “There's--”
Just then, a police officer walked into the store. The man under the counter tensed up, but Skip greeted him with his usual speech.
“Just a moment,” the officer said, backing out of the store with a cell phone in his hand. “I have to take this.”
“What the heck do you think you're doing Skip?” the man asked, a crazed look in his eye.
“Serving ice cream...” Skip said, turning around to grab a scooper.
“Then I'm really sorry I have to do this.”
The man grabbed his life saber and smashed it down against the back of Skip's head. Skip crumpled to the floor. The man grabbed his body and dragged it to the back of the store where they made their special homemade ice cream. This week, the special was Cheery Cherry. The man stripped Skip and threw him into the vat of cherries about to be chopped.
“Sorry man,” he said, looking mournfully down at Skip's mutilated body. “I can't go to jail.”
He threw his own clothes in the employee's lost and found and quickly changed into Skip's clothes. He returned to the front of the store just as the officer walked back in.
“Welcome to Baskin Robins!” he said, picking up the hat from the counter and pulling it on his head. “My name is Skip and I'll be your scooper today. Can I interest you in some Cheery Cherry?”