Circus Kirk

I stared at my dad through the thick, ugly bars as I tried to remember why I was here. He had never been there for me. I didn't owe him anything. He left us. He left us for this. Oh, who was I kidding? I knew why I was here. He was my dad. Even if I'd never met him, he was still my father. I wanted a relationship with him, regardless of how dysfunctional it would have to be.

“Hey kid, get lost!” A burly worker in a khaki uniform spat at me from behind the bars. “If you want to see the show you have to pay the entrance fee like everybody else!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I said, refusing to take my eyes off my father.

“I mean it!” Her voice started rising. “If you don't move it I'll come over there and move you myself!”

I ignored her. There was nothing to fear. I knew her story. I'd been watching Budros' Bigtop Circus every day since they came into town two weeks ago. Her name was Katie Holt, she was one of the security guards. If you asked me she was squandering her talent. Budros should have recruited her for the freak show, she was definitely big enough to play the bearded lady, all she needed was some facial hair. It was common knowledge her bark was worse than her bite. She liked to talk tough but really she was a pushover. Anyway, the circus was only her side job, her real dream was to become a night club singer. She was actually pretty good, I'd heard her practicing in her trailer from one of my earlier days watching the show from my post behind the wrought iron bars.

“Kid!” Katie said, interrupting me from my reverie. “What are you doing out here? Why don't you just go home?”

“I thought you were going to forcibly remove me,” I said dryly.

“Well I was, but you remind me of someone I know,” she said softly.

“Oh yeah?” I said, offhand. “Who?”

“Well actually, do you see that man right through there?” She asked, pointing to my father.

“Yeah...” I said, trying to sound indifferent.

“His name is Mark. He's the best flying trapeze artist I've ever seen. He's also the sweetest man I've ever met. When I first started out...” She trailed off, embarrassed.

“No, go on,” I encouraged her.

“Well see, my name isn't really Katie Holt. It's actually Katie Budros. Mike Budros, the owner of the circus, is my father. When I was born he was very excited because I was to be a free laborer, he wouldn't have to pay me, I was family. But as I grew up it became apparent that I wasn't cut out for the circus. I was afraid of elephants and tigers, so I couldn't be a trainer, I'm not funny enough to be a clown or flexible enough to be an acrobat, and I can't even grow enough facial hair to be considered a freak.”

“What does any of that have to do with my—well with Mark?” I asked.

“Mark had been working with my father for some time, and he's the one who suggested I work out and become a security guard. It was really important to Budros that I worked for the circus. Mark really saved my relationship with my father, and now I've found my niche,” Katie explained.

“So why did you change your last name?” I asked.

“Budros didn't think it would be...prudent, to have it known that his only daughter was a security guard. He dreamed of me becoming a trapeze artist like Adela Fedor, the woman he is currently...involved with. Or at least a magician's assistant like my friend Arabelle. But I'm not pretty enough for that,” she lamented.

“I think you're plenty pretty,” I said.

“Thanks,” she replied, smiling at me. “So what about you? What's your story? Why are you sitting here? And what is your name?”

“My name is Kirk,” I said smiling. “And I'm here to join the circus.”
***
There's no way, I thought, staring with trepidation at the trapeze swinging high above my head.
I'd been with the circus for four weeks now, and I'd been subjected to some pretty intense training. Luckily my body was thin and sinewy, the perfect build for trapeze artists, according to Mark. He took me on as sort of a personal special case. I thought maybe he might know that he was my dad, some sort of biological instinct, but Katie assured me he was like this with everyone.

“Think you can do it?” Mark asked, coming up on my left.

“We'll see,” I said, intimidated.

We climbed the swinging ladders. I looked down and silently thanked God for the nets that were constructed beneath the trapeze.

“You ready?” Mark shouted from the other end.

“As I'll ever be...” I was not looking forward to this.

“Three, two, one!” Mark called.

I latched onto the thin metal bar for dear life and silently said about a dozen hail Mary's. I felt my stomach fall out of my butt as my body leaned forward over the edge.

“Almost there, son,” Mark said.

That did it. That one term of endearment I've waited my whole life to hear gave me the motivation I needed. I jumped.

It was the most amazing sensation I'd ever felt. Flying across the big top, the rainbow colors of the circus blurring into a sea below me. I could see the clowns, the elephants, and the wrought iron fence I'd sat behind for so long. It worried me briefly, the proximity of the fence with its spear-headed spikes to the trapeze. I could clearly see myself slipping and letting go, being stabbed completely through by one of the posts, and my basic knowledge of physics informed me that this was entirely possible. But somehow at the time it didn't bother me. In that moment I knew where I belonged. This was what I was born to do. It was the essence of equilibrium. It was completely natural.

Suddenly, I felt myself slipping. I looked up to see that the rope securing the trapeze to the top of the tent was coming undone. Before I could even think, the rope came untied and I was falling, down, down, down.
***
“That was so close,” Katie's face swam into my vision.

“What happened?” I muttered.

“Oh baby, you fell,” Katie said. “The rope came untied. It's a miracle you missed the gate. It was like slow motion, you completely missed the nets. Are you ok, can you move?”

“Yeah, I'm ok,” I said, sitting up gingerly. “I don't think anything is broken.”

“Damn right he could have died!” I could here Mark shouting. “Damn it Budros! He's just a kid!”

Katie and I exchanged glances as Budros quietly tried to calm Mark down.

“We're done here! Ledeux can kiss its trapeze act goodbye, because Kirk and I are out. If you want us back here by the finale you had better get it fixed!” Mark stormed out of Budros' trailer, livid.

“Wow,” Katie whispered. “I've never seen him angry before.”

“Me either,” I said. “Me either.”
***
Budros didn't fix the trapeze. At the end of our stint in Ledeux he packed up the big top and put it into storage. I soon forgot about it, but Mark never did. Before each practice he would double check the trapeze, ensuring that everything was stable. I was always touched. But I never told him he was my dad. I liked the way things were going, I didn't want to mess it up, I didn't want him to freak out and leave the circus like he left me and my mom. Now that I knew him I realized that I couldn't live without him.
***
As the seasons changed, I got better and better at the trapeze feats. Mark told me I was a natural. If only he knew...Anyway, Katie and I ended up falling in love that year, and the best way I can describe that is exactly the way I'd describe flying on the trapeze, only without the fear of falling. She was amazing. She, and everyone else in Budros' Big Top, made me feel like I was home. It was the best year of my life. When I was with my mom, I never felt permanent. We moved around a lot, pretty much whenever she broke up with one of her boyfriends. I always felt instable, like our little “family” could break up at any moment. I never felt like that with the circus, yet I was still afraid that my dad would abandon me again, he did it once, what was to stop him from doing it again? So I kept my secret, from my dad, from Katie, from Budros, from everyone.
***
Word soon got out about the “Tenacious Twosome,” as Mark and I were called. We were nothing short of phenomenal. I'd never worked so hard for anything in my life. Add our natural skill to the resemblance between Mark and I and you got magic, baby, nothing but magic. At least that's what Budros had printed on all the posters. Every time Budros looked at Mark and I we could just see the dollar signs flashing in his eyes. Unfortunately, Budros was the type of man who always wanted more, always dreamed bigger. That was why as soon as he heard of the Tempestuous Twist, he knew he had to have it in his act.

“Are you out of your mind?” Mark yelled. He and Budros were at it again. They'd been coming to blows more and more lately, often because of me.

“Come on Mark!” Budros pleaded. “What, are you scared you're going to hurt yourself?”

“It's not me I'm worried about!” Mark fired back.

“Who is it, the kid?” Budros asked, bewildered.

“His name is Kirk! Dammit Budros! When are you going to learn that you can't go around gambling other people's lives? I'm not putting him in danger!”

“You've changed,” Budros marveled.

Mark glared at him, daggers shooting out of his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“The old you would have jumped at the chance to conquer something so risky. You'd master every trick you came across, the more insane the better. Don't you remember?”

“That was when I had nothing to live for,” Mark retorted.

“What, are you talking about that Smith girl, what was her name--”

“Grace, Budros. Her name was Grace,” whispered Mark.

“Whatever. Look, I know you were all bent out of shape when she left you and took that kid along with her but, and I'm going to be brutal here, that was the best thing that ever happened to you. Look at where you are now! You're career never would have taken off if she hadn't left you and destroyed your desire to live.”

My jaw dropped. I'd heard the entire conversation through Budros' thin trailer walls. Grace Smith. That was my mother's name.

I knew you were all bent out of shape when she left you and took that kid.

Mark had never left me. Mark didn't abandon me and leave me for dead. My mother left him. She left him! She lied! As devastating as the thought of my deceitful mother was, my spirits soared. My dad loved me! He hadn't left!

“I'll do it!” I said, bursting into Budros' trailer.

“Do what?” Budros asked, barely looking at me.

“The Tempestuous Twist,” I said. “I'll learn it.”

That got their attention.

“No way!” Mark spluttered. “You put him up to this!”

Budros flinched at the accusation. “I swear I didn't!”

“Budros didn't put me up to anything,” I said defiantly. “This is something I want to do.”

“No!” Mark said. “You are not learning it. It's too dangerous! This matter is closed!”

Mark stormed out of the trailer and slammed the door behind him.

I looked at Budros, dejected. “There goes that idea.”

I caught his eye and noticed a gleam in it that I'd never seen before.

“It's not over?” I asked.

“It definitely ain't over kid,” he said.

“But I don't understand...Mark won't learn it--” I began.

“Mark already knows it!” Budros said, elated. “Mark knows every trick in the book! He's just
never had anyone crazy enough to do this one with him! And now I've found you!”

“How am I supposed to learn it though?” I asked.

“Well, there is someone...she's not as good as Mark but she's the second best in the business. I don't normally like to ask her for favors...” Budros looked uncomfortable. “But in your case I'm willing to make an exception. We've just got to keep it from Mark.”

“Well, I don't know...” I hesitated.

“Come on kid,” Budros said. “Think of it as...a surprise! Think of how proud he'd be, seeing you up there, mastering the trick he's always dreamed of. Can you imagine how proud he'd be.”
I sat there and pretended to contemplate the suggestion for a bit.

“I'm in,” I said
***
The crowd was bigger than any I'd ever seen. They were screaming at Mark and me. I stood, on top of the world, about to make the descent. At the last second I looked at Mark. The fear in his eyes alerted me that he knew exactly what I was about to do. Disregarding him, I jumped anyway.

I could feel the weightlessness in my body as I flew through the air, executing every twist and turn to perfection. Mark was hesitant in his response at first, but soon the thrill of the moment overtook him. I almost wished I was an outsider watching our performance, certain that there was nothing more beautiful than the magic we were making on the trapeze that day.
The final twist was coming up. Could I do it? Would all my training pay off? I was just about to find out when suddenly--

“Wake up, kid!”

“What?” I muttered groggily as I rolled over in bed.

“Training starts right now!” Budros said.

I looked at the digital clock on my make-shift nightstand. “But it's three-thirty in the morning!”

“Exactly!” Budros said, ecstatic. “Mark's still asleep.”

He sauntered out of my tent as I started getting ready, cursing him all the while.

In a few minutes I was loaded in Budros' Porsche 911 Turbo.

“Where exactly are we going?” I asked through a mouthful of poptart.

“We are headed down to Dundee,” Budros answered. I could see his eye twitch a little at the word.

“Why? Is that where the trapeze girl is?”

“Yeah,” he conceded. “Now shut up and eat your breakfast.”

I put my poptart down. “Listen Budros, I don't know what you're playing at here, but I'm not learning the most dangerous trick in the trapeze world without a little background knowledge on my instructor.”

“Fine!” He yelled, slamming on his breaks at the stoplight, harder than necessary. “Her name is Anna. Anna and I were...involved many years ago. She was my star trapeze artist. She wasn't naturally talented but she worked her ass off every day to be the best in the business. And for many years, she was.

“Then I opened up our circuit and picked up the Ledeux stint. One night, after a performance, Anna and I went out to a cliff the locals liked to hang out at.”

“Clive's Cliff,” I said. I'd heard of it once or twice.

“Yeah,” Budros agreed. “Well anyway, a lot of the locals liked to jump off the cliff into the water. It's crazy, but God only knows what people will do for entertainment when they're bored.

“Anyway, the weather was pretty bad on the night Anna and I went there. A storm was coming in and the water was rough and choppy. Only a fool would have jumped on a night like that,” he broke off, that gleam I'd seen earlier returning to his eye.

“And...” I prompted.

“And...we decided to check it out anyway, we heard the views were pretty spectacular. Well, when we arrived there was a huge commotion. Apparently some maniac had climbed to the very top and was going to jump. Naturally, Anna and I ran to the edge so we could have the perfect view.

“I looked up to the top and could just barely make out the shape of a tall, sinewy man. I remember Anna remarking that he'd make a good trapeze artist.

“If only she knew.

“Anyway, we watched him as he leaped over the edge. I'll never forget it kid. It was the most graceful thing I'd ever seen. He flipped and spun and turned and twisted, and in that moment, I knew Anna was right. He was born to be a trapeze artist. I had to have him.

“Miraculously, he survived the fall. Anna and I hurried down to the embankment as he clamored out, and I promptly offered him a job in my show. He accepted, and soon we became good friends.

“At first, everything was great. Anna taught Mark everything she knew, and their act was phenomenal. But soon, Mark and his natural athleticism surpassed Anna and she became very bitter.

“One day it all became too much. She came to my trailer with an ultimatum. She told me I had to choose. Since Mark was more successful, I chose him. Needless to say it ended our relationship, and I haven't talked to her since,” Budros finished.

“Wow,” I marveled. “And now you're going to ask her for a favor?”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Budros said, game face in place.

I sat in silence for the rest of the car ride.
***
After much flattery and groveling (on Budros' part), Anna agreed to teach me what she knew about the Tempestuous Twist. She told me she'd never done it, but she knew the basic theory.

We practiced, and practiced, and practiced. Every weekend (any more often would have made Mark suspicious) I would head down to Dundee with in Budros' Porsche.

Anna was a good teacher, she was strict, but also very patient. I learned a lot from her about trapeze tricks, and, surprisingly, life. She taught me to never give up, that sometimes you need to swallow your pride and help someone in desperate need.

Anyway, after several grueling months of training, I mastered the Tempestuous Twist. I'd never been so proud in my life. I couldn't wait to show Mark, but Budros convinced me to wait it out. I'd reveal it in Ledeux, he told me. It was the perfect plan. I couldn't wait.
***
“Kirk,” Katie called, running to catch up with me. “Wait!”

“What's going on?” I asked, distracted. Tonight was my big night. We'd arrived in Ledeux yesterday and I was more than ready to show Mark what I'd been working on.

“I don't think you should do the show tonight!” Katie said, breathless.

That got my attention. “What are you talking about?”

“It's Baige, she's been having bad feelings about you for weeks. She said they've gotten stronger since we arrived in Ledeux. Baby, I really think you shouldn't do it!” Katie pleaded.

Baige was the circus' resident “psychic.” She couldn't predict a damn thing, but she had an uncanny way of knowing things without having to be told. Her “feelings” were rarely wrong, but I decided to shrug it off. Today was a beautiful day. Nothing, especially not a luke-warm psychic, was going to mess this up for me.

“Katie, it's fine.” I said. “Baige was right. I threw up a little earlier. That's probably what Baige was feeling. I'll probably throw up a little before the show. But I'll be fine.”

“Alright...” Katie said, looking unconvinced.

I left and headed for the Bigtop. So what if I lied to Katie? I wasn't going to hurt anyone. She'd see tonight at the show that everything was alright. Baige wasn't right about every “feeling” she'd ever had. At least, I was pretty sure she wasn't...
***
The crowd was bigger than any I'd ever seen. They were screaming at Mark and me. I stood, on top of the world, about to make the descent. At the last second I looked at Mark. The fear in his eyes alerted me that he knew exactly what I was about to do. Disregarding him, I jumped anyway.

I flew through the air, relishing in the familiar sensation. When I got to the release point, I let go and executed a perfect twist into a sommersalt. At my last flip I looked at the bar Mark was supposed to have vacated in order to do the trick right. He was still there, a look of sheer panic etched into his face.

My stomach heaved as I pictured a collision, but there was nothing I could do. I continued flying toward him at full speed.

"Oh my God!" I could here screams from below. "They're going to crash!"

At the very last second possible, Mark snapped out of it and moved out of the way, but it was too late. The surprise of his reaction had already messed up my turnout and I only barely managed to grip the bar between my knees. Recognizing there wasn't room for both of us, Mark let go of the bar and I grabbed his hands.

I can only imagine what it looked like to spectators. Me, hanging upside down by my knees, gripping Mark's hands in my own. Maybe they thought it was part of the trick. Maybe not. I'll never know, because the next thing that happened has always overshadowed our botched Tempestuous Twist.

Mark looked up at me and smiled.

"Almost blew that one," he murmered.

I looked down at him; the only thought in my mind was how I'd almost lost him.

"Mark," I began. "There's something I need to tell you..."

Just then, I felt the all too familiar slipping sensation. I looked at Mark and I could instantly read the same thoughts on his face.

Budros never fixed the trapeze.

"It can't hold us both!" I screamed.

Mark looked at me, pride and admiration in his eyes.

"I love you, son."

And he let go.
***
"I always said the trapeze was too close to that damn fence," Baige commented at the funeral. "Nobody ever listened."

Katie sushed her and led her away from the grave. It was a closed casket funeral. The funeral directer figured nobody would want to see the punctures in Mark's chest from the fence again.

He was right. For most of the people in attendance, once was enough. Nobody would ever forget watching Mark fall through the air, limbs flailing. And then seeing the spear go through his heart.
***
Budros stood at the podium next to Mark's grave, a somber look on his face.

"Mark was my best friend," he began the eulogy.

"He was everything I'd ever dreamed of being: intelligent, motivated, strong. I'll always remember the way he lived.

"But it is equally important to remember the way he died. Mark Nathaniel Rasmussen died for the one thing he loved most in the world: his son."
***
"Do you need some time alone?" Katie asked me as everyone walked away from Mark's eternal resting place.

"He knew," I whispered.

"What's that?" she looked back at me.

"He knew. He knew he was my dad all along. And he didn't leave," I said, in awe.

"No, he didn't," she agreed, sympathy coloring her face.

"I'll just be a minute," I said.

I watched her walk away, then I turned away

As I looked down at my father for the last time, I thought of the brief period I'd gotten to spend with him. As much as my heart ached now, I knew I'd never regret meeting him. I'd rather experience the pain of his loss a million times over than to never have met him at all.

I put the rose in my hand on his grave.

"I love you, too, Daddy," were my last words to the best man I'd ever known.